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About Last Night – 9/30/15

1 Oct

Wednesdays are my busy TV night, but I’m busy with other things, so I’m loading up the DVR!

The Middle

Mike and Frankie are settling in nicely as empty nesters. Except Brick is still around. Axl has an ant infestation, so his idea is to put out a bowl of syrup to lure them all to their deaths. I mean, it’s not the worst idea he’s ever had. Sue is having a hard time adjusting to college, and she’s dealing with it by calling and texting her family nonstop. Brick is getting involved at school, by becoming the new library mascot, Bernie the Bookmark.

The bowl of syrup doesn’t work to clear up the ants – they carry it away. So Axl and his roommate (I don’t know his name) decide to get an anteater. Even I think that’s a bad idea. Brick almost gets beaten up while dressed as a bookmark, but a tough kid comes to his rescue. Brick seems as confused about it as I am. And now we’re at the part of the episode where Sue annoys the hell out of me. She was finally hanging out with people and then they started talking about politics and she had no idea any of these things happened or how to join the conversation, so she ran away. They’re college freshmen, none of them actually know what they’re talking about, so Sue should have felt free to join.

The tough kid has been walking Brick home, and he doesn’t talk much. Axl wasn’t able to obtain an anteater, but he did get a ferret. That is not the same thing. The ferret escapes through the backdoor. Sue’s roommate finally shows up, and let’s just say she’s the opposite of Sue. She’s a stereotypical “bad girl” – black lipstick, flannel shirt, messy ponytail, black jeans, she even has a nose ring so you know she’s really bad. And, shockingly, she has no interest in joining Sue for an egg spoon race or other fun freshmen mixers. After a series of 3am texts, Frankie decides that they need to cut the cord.

Brick finally gets the tough kid to open up – he says that he knows what it’s like to be the small guy who gets picked on, because in his family he’s the small one. Brick thanks him for his kindness, and says he wants a way to repay him, so the kid asks Brick to teach him how to dance. Of course. Sue falls apart. Listen, I don’t even care enough to explain what happened. Then Axl shows up to take Sue out for pizza, which is very nice of him.

Modern Family

Luke is now a hipster. Alex told the family she was leaving for college tomorrow, but she’s actually leaving today. Haley is taking her, but she’s only going 30 minutes away so I don’t understand all the sadness and anxiety. Jay, Gloria, and kids get roped in spending the afternoon at Lily’s soccer game. Does that baby call Jay, “Jay” instead of “Daddy?” That’s weird. Luke goes to a showing with Phil at an “unsellable” house. But Luke would rather hang with his friends. Mitchell has started doing wills and estates, so there’s lots of sad crying people at the house. Cam is doing short term rentals on the unit upstairs, so there’s more drama there.

Phil is showing the weirdest house ever. Random passages, stairs to the basement that loop you back around to the first floor, all kinds of weird stuff. This house is like an Escher painting. Haley takes Alex to school and they meet her crazy pants roommate. She’s 15 and bounces around like a cracked out gerbil. Mitchell ends up coaching Lily’s game, and finds out that Claire tried to bail on the game. What is this obsession with everyone going to a kid’s soccer game? Is she playing in the World Cup? Then Cam gets kicked out of the game because he loudly announces that little girls’ soccer isn’t a real sport. There’s a lot of scheming about how the family can get out of going to the game, and Gloria shoots Jay in the foot with a pellet gun.

Alex wants to change roommates, but Haley reminds her of the benefits of having a younger, know-it-all, annoying roommate. Phil is having a hard time dealing with the fact that Luke doesn’t want to hang out with him anymore, and would rather be with his friends. The family shows up at the game with Jay in a bandage limping. Mitchell feels bad because Jay is really injured, but then the baby rats them out. Then there’s a thing with duck eggs that I guess is touching, in a Modern Family kind of way.

The Grinder

We open on Rob Lowe’s television show finale. He’s watching with the family, and his brother and dad are both lawyers. There’s a lot of mismatched plaid furniture in this living room. And now we’re in the bedroom, with plaid wallpaper. Are these people Scottish? Is it 1996? I don’t understand. Rob’s character’s name is Dean. That’s my brother’s name. So now you know.

Oh boy, baby brother is not a great lawyer. He speed reads from note cards in court. That’s terrible. Baby brother’s name is Stu. Dean jumps in, with a much better plan than Stu had. Okay, I love Rob Lowe, but I’m already bored. OMG THERE IS A PLAID TABLECLOTH. I’m out. I can’t handle this much plaid.

The Mysteries of Laura

Laura is having sexy times with her boy toy, the sexy food truck guy, when her phone rings. It’s work, and they’ve got a body. The victim appears to be a cancer patient, and they found hemlock and pills at the crime scene. Jake wants to call it suicide. Laura isn’t so sure. The table was set for a romantic dinner for two, and the pills were for acid reflux. The landlady says Nina (victim) was all alone and sad with no family until she got cancer and a bunch of people started coming around. She always wanted to wear a white dress for her funeral, because she had never been married. But she died in a black floral dress. Bitch captain continues to be the worst, and wants to call it suicide.

Nina was using a food delivery service and end of life counseling from a local charity that helps cancer patients, and one of their volunteers was driving her to and from chemo. Only instead of being nauseated, she was pounding junk food. Laura checks in with the ME who confirms her suspicions, Nina didn’t have cancer.

Laura and Jake go through Nina’s house to dig up more evidence of her deception. They find all the things she used to fake her cancer, including a blog. The sicker she got, the more comments, likes, and love she got. They found a draft post where Nina announced her remission, her end game where she got to come clean and keep her friends and love. The post was supposed to schedule the day after Nina died, so they dig to find the woman who appears to be Nina’s best friend, and a fellow cancer patient.

They find the friend, and because of terrible people like Nina and Belle Gibson, they have to ask her if she really does have cancer. Nina and her friend started a foundation to raise money for the children’s cancer ward, and whadda ya know, Nina handled all the money. They raised about $80,000 and whadda ya know, the account is at zero now. None of the money ever made it to the hospital, but it was withdrawn in small amounts over the course of year. Only Nina had the checkbook, but the withdraws were made from an ATM. Nina and friend had ATM cards, but neither was ever activated. Dun dun dun! The plot thickens.

They get ATM footage that shows an unidentified junkie making a withdrawal. Billy tracks the junkie to a park near the ATM and a chase ensues. Junkie jumps off a roof. Turns out one of junkie’s relatives was also getting meal deliveries from the same service – and same volunteer – that helped Nina. They search the volunteer’s house and find things he had stolen from all of his patients, as well as makeup that he had bought for Nina, and a hemlock plant. They also find out that he had weaseled his way into the wills of a lot of his patients.

There’s another chase, and then they get the guy. At the end Jake comes over and sees food truck guy at Laura’s house, and he’s surprisingly cool about the whole thing.

On the DVR

Heroes Reborn
Fresh Off the Boat
Law & Order: SVU
Code Black

About Last Night – 9/29/15

30 Sep

What can I say? I was home sick with nothing to do but catch up on TV.

Law & Order: SVU

Did I miss last season’s finale? Because none of this sounds familiar to me. Serial killer, liked to torture his victims. I guess that’s enough to get me caught up. Another body has washed up, a redhead, and it’s either one more of Yates’ victims or a copycat. Yeah, I definitely missed a lot at the end of last season. Nick moved to California and is doing physical therapy. Liv is mad at Amanda for some reason?

Then we get a tip from Yates and go to a townhouse where we find the mummified body of another redhead in a suitcase inside of a fireplace that’s been drywalled over. They go visit Yates, who tells them that the guy who killed the redheads was Carl, the medical examiner. Dun dun dun!

So they dig up a bunch of stuff that implicates Carl, and have Warner redo the autopsies on the two redheads. On the first one, she says that the body was dismembered before death, which Yates said it would be and Carl left out. So they executed a search warrant on his house and then arrested him for the murders of the two readheads.

Looks like as soon as the good doctor made bail he chopped up Yates’ fiancee, the prosecution’s star witness. Rollins threw up seeing the body being pieced together on the beach, and everyone is acting weird so I think we’re supposed to think she’s pregnant. I think vomit is an appropriate reaction to seeing dismembered bodies, but I don’t work in SVU.

Dude, turns out this guy was killing (?) Jane Does and stealing their identities. Because he’s also a cross dresser. And he maintains different identities, PO Boxes, apartments, credit cards, etc all over the city. He can do it because he’s got a crap ton of family money. So we catch Carl, and his lawyer wants to get him off on misdemeanors because he’s paying her a lot of money and the scandal is bad for the DA’s office. (And yes, kids, that is how the legal system works.) Amanda goes to see Yates to see if he can give them anything to move the murders from circumstantial to hard evidence, and he tells her that he knows she’s pregnant. Subtle foreshadowing, guys. Carisi calls her out on it, and she tells him it’s not Nick’s.

Rollins tells Liv that she’s pregnant (not Nick’s) and that she may not be a single mom because she might move upstate. Again, I have no idea what this means. But I am going to call it that this is the last season of our beloved SVU. They’re losing characters left and right without replacing them, and I think we’re going to see the cast dwindle down and say goodbye in May.

In the end, since the good doctor is a nut ball, they find a recording of him talking to himself and admitting to the murders. Then we see Yates and Carl eating lunch together in prison. I feel like this will end well.


Oh John Stamos, you sexy man. We open on a montage of Jimmy enjoying his amazing life – single, clean house, the only thing that’s missing is a fluff dog. Then a kid comes in and tells him that he’s his son, and surprise, he has a granddaughter too! But we all saw the preview, we know how that went down. Jimmy gives a speech about how he doesn’t know if he wants a family and gives Gerald (son) his card so he call sometime. That gets disapproving looks from the kitchen, so he goes out to talk to his son more. Then he goes to visit son’s mom in “East Bumpkinville” (Pasadena) to find out why she never told him they have a son. It’s a valid question. But if she had told him, we wouldn’t have this sitcom!

Oh god, the more this woman talks about who Jimmy is, the more I realize he’s like me. Yay, Jimmy! I like this guy. Gerald lives in the guest house at his mom’s house where he uses a 3-D printer, has a closet full of alternating green and gray shirts, and decided to find Jimmy after reading a BuzzFeed listicle. Dammit, I like this guy too! Oh, and he’s teaching his daughter West African French, because it’s the fastest growing language in the world and Mandarin is for suckers. We also meet the baby’s mom, who is adorable and nice and refers to Gerald as her friend. Gerald tells Jimmy that part of the reason he wanted to meet him was to get Jimmy’s help to make mom see Gerald as more than a friend.

Jimmy decides to spend Friday night watching movies with Gerald and his mom and I also love mom. She’s funny, and her relationship with Jimmy is funny. Baby’s name is Edie, and Jimmy is going to babysit. This is a sitcom, so there’s plenty of adorable Jimmy-Edie bonding. Then he gets a call that Dion Sanders is at the restaurant, so he creates a pen in the kitchen for Edie so he can schmooze Dion. Seriously, Jimmy is me, if I was a 50 year old man who cared about restaurants. This is, shockingly, not the easy time he thought it would be. Nice guest appearance by Bob Sagat! Mom’s name is Sarah.

So, that’s touching, but I still think he could have gotten the picture he wanted because a picture takes four seconds and he could have let the kid cry for that much longer.

Does Jimmy live downtown? Because I wouldn’t take a baby downtown after dark.

Scream Queens

We’re not doing a regular recap here, because we’re talking about three hours of televiosion. We open in 1995 when a Kappa pledge has given birth in the bathroom at a party, and then dies. Then we cut to 2015 and y’all, I wish my sorority house had a closet like that. So here’s the set up – Jamie Lee Curtis is the Dean and she wants to take down Kappa. Chanel is the Kappa president and she’s the worst. Our first look at Red Devil is from last year, after the former Kappa president was the victim of a hydrocloric acid spray tan.

The Dean opens the Kappa pledge class to anyone who wants to join, which means that only weirdos want to join, including a candle vlogger, which is amazing. Are there only four members of this sorority? And why is there a deep fryer in that kitchen? Don’t these bitches eat healthy?

I think cute investigator boy is Red Devil. Maybe he was the bathtub baby? Also, Grace’s dad is Jeff from Nashville. Just throwing that out there. Nevermind, he just got hit in the head by Red Devil. So it’s not him. Maybe it’s the Dean. Oooohhhh, but he has a Red Devil costume. Maybe it’s like Scream where there’s more than one.

Ahhhh! Boone is in on it! I was right – there is more than one!

There’s another guy in a Red Devil costume and Grace and Zayday attack him before they find out it’s some kid from school and I guess we just let him go because we know him?

One of the Chanels just said a bunch of things that I didn’t think you could say on network television. But she’s decided to quit Kappa because she’s over the whole serial killer thing. Listen, I can’t follow the logic of anyone on this show. So let’s just sit back and enjoy the ride. It kind of reminds me Death Becomes Her.

Grace’s dad is the new film studies professor and he screens The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which really seems like a poor choice for a campus dealing with a serial killer. But there is a nice homage to Monty Python amidst some of this ridiculousness, and we do get confirmation that there are two Red Devils. What’s fun is that anyone who’s still alive could be the killer.

About Last Night – 9/28/15

29 Sep

Here’s what I watched last night, while under the influence of cold medicine. It may be a wild, incoherent ride, folks.

Last Man Standing

Mike has been on a two month road trip all around the world working on the new Outdoor Man catalog. He’s excited to try the new pizza with a crust made of hot dogs. Because America. Vanessa surprises him at the door in a negligee and because he’s Mike, he focuses more on the decor changes she’s made in the bedroom than the negligee. Mandy is back from her summer in New York and can’t stop talking about it. Eve is sick of it. Kristin and Ryan were supposed to go on their honeymoon, but she keeps postponing because she’s rather be at work. So that’s a sign of a healthy marriage. Mike is recording a vlog talking about how everything went haywire while he was gone and he’s going to change the bedroom back to the way it was, and Vanessa overhears. She’s not happy. Listen, if a new bedspread is the worst of your problems, you’re doing okay.

Mike tries to apologize, in a very Mike way. Eve uses a dress Mandy made in New York to clean the bathroom, and that’s really terrible even for Eve. Kristin comes over just in time for the tornado siren to go off, so everyone goes down into the shelter. Ed wants to stay at the store to make sure everything is okay during the hurricane, and Kyle insists on staying with him. It turns out Ed’s wife (girlfriend?) left him because she thinks he only cares about the store. Mike is trying to restore family harmony. He thinks Vanessa redecorated because she was afraid for his safety. Vanessa tells him he’s full of it and she doesn’t worry about him anymore. Mandy interrupts to tell them that Kyle and Ed are on the roof of Outdoor Man.

Back in the storm shelter, Vanessa admits that she wasn’t really mad about the bedroom. Over the summer when all the girls were gone and Vanessa was alone, she realized that she would always have Mike. But then she heard him talking about spending more time on the road and got scared because she thinks they want different things out of life. Mandy admits to exaggerating her experience in New York. Donna Karen thinks she’s nuts and she got thrown out of the internship program. Eve knew what had happened, and that’s why she was being so terrible about Mandy and her New York bragging. Eve is upset that Mandy can’t confide in her, and then Kristin fixes things. So Vanessa is more upset because now everyone fees better except her. Kyle video chats Mandy to show everyone what’s happening on the roof. This doesn’t seem realistic. Would they really have a strong enough signal to FaceTime from a roof to a tornado shelter during a bad storm? They see the tornado coming, and Mike tries to talk Ed into going inside. P.S. Ed is on the roof because he thinks the store is all he has left and he’s gone a little nuts. While Mike tries to explain to Ed that people matter more than the physical store, he realizes that’s why Vanessa was mad. She tells him that she doesn’t want him to choose the road over her. Everyone agrees that people are important, so the Baxter marriage is saved and Ed goes inside.

After the storm there’s not really any damage, and Kristin finally plans to go on her honeymoon. Then everyone talks about how family is important. Togetherness! Closeness! Moral to the story! Happy ending!

The Big Bang Theory

We open on sad Leonard. Because his marriage is already pretty much a failure. Sheldon is already slinging zingers. “I couldn’t sleep either. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.” Sheldon’s advice is for Penny to make out with someone else to even the score, namely him. Then they make out? No, j/k. The whole thing was Leonard’s bad dream.

Sheldon calls Amy to set up a taping of Fun With Flags and she turns him down, because they’re broken up. Sheldon counters that Sonny and Cher continued their show after they got divorced, and he kind of has a point. The redesigned comic book shop is still throwing me for a loop. Raj is upset that Howard knew about Leonard’s North Sea kiss and didn’t tell him. Sheldon goes to Amy’s (and only knocks once!!!) to return her things. He tries to make her jealous by putting one of Penny’s bras in the box, and honestly I’m surprised he’s okay touching it. Bernadette is mad at Howard because she knew about Leonard cheating and has kept it from Penny for two years. Now Bernadette is worried that Penny will find out she knew and be mad at her. Penny comes over to talk to Leonard and Sheldon has some advice. For real this time. He thinks Penny should meet Mandy (the chick from the North Sea). Penny is (justifiably) worried that something is or will be going on between them at work.

Now we’re at girls night, still talking about this. I’m already bored with this two year old cheating scandal. And Leonard and Penny’s marriage. Bernadette is being weird. She’s kept this secret for two years and now she’s being weird? Sheldon is doing Fun With Flags alone, and lets everyone know it’s because Amy broke up with him. The theme of his show is “flags from countries that have been torn apart and the women I feel are responsible.” Leonard talks to Mandy and it turns out she doesn’t remember making out with him on the boat. Mandy is very perceptive and suggests that the real reason Leonard told Penny was because he wanted to sabotage the relationship. He talks it through and wonders if it was because he never thought he deserved Penny, because she could have any guy she wanted, and it took her so long to say she loves him. Leonard tells Penny that she might have been right about him trying to sabotage their marriage because he still doesn’t always think he deserves her. Penny says she feels the same way. Is this the first time these two have talked about their relationship? Because I feel like this should have come out before they decided to get married. But because it’s Leonard and Penny, everything is better now and they go have sex. I do not understand this relationship.

Sheldon gets Leonard and Penny a wedding gift – a trip to San Francisco for all three of them!

Life In Pieces

Yeah, I don’t know their names.

Story One: The kid who lives at home walks in on his parents having sex on the couch. Mom suggests he see a therapist, but instead he talks to his mom. He had told his siblings, so Mom calls a family meeting to talk about the kid walking in on his parents. Mom makes everyone pair off and make eye contact while they share feelings. I don’t understand the point of this.

Story Two: The same kid is having car trouble before he picks his boss up for their second date. So Dad put tequila in the engine (?!?!) and that makes the car start. Don’t try that one at home, kids. Now we’re on an awkward date where it’s really obvious this guy can’t afford anything. Turns out this was the date she was supposed to get married, so she’s pounding margaritas. She couldn’t get a refund on the reception space, so they go there. What is happening? I don’t like any of these people.

Story Three: We open on a breast pump in action and I’m tapping out.

Story Four: The kid with three kids is moving to a new house. That husband/dad really annoys me. He’s like a caricature of dad jokes. Oh god, they moved in across the street from their parents. Because this show doesn’t have enough campy shtick.

The Mysteries of Laura

Kids are playing at the park, but there’s scary music and a twitchy dude, so you know something’s gonna go down. Turns out a cab raced up into the park and twitchy dude jumped in front of it and told the kids to run, so he gets hit and killed. Good guy or part of the set up? We float some theories and then decide to track down the cab. There’s a new captain and she is a total biotch. She insists that the squad room be silent, which is weird, because it’s a squad room. Jake comes back a week early, but new captain won’t let him take his post back. We also find out that Frankie got transferred out because she didn’t have the seniority required to take her job. But we have prints back on John Doe, he was convicted of rape in the third degree and there’s also a report of a cab stolen 12 minutes before the hit.

Now Jake and Laura are working together, because I guess you can just waltz in to work a week early and take any job you want? Dead guy’s name is Ronald, and we meet his fiance, who is super pregnant. Turns out his rape charge was with his fiance when she was 16 and he was 21, so there goes their theory about a victim’s family targeting him. Turns out the cab driver used his phone for GPS, and it was in the cab when it was stolen. The cab is found burned to a crisp, but there’s a camera inside, full of pictures of the kid from the park who was saved when Ronald shouted at him. Whoever was driving had been following the kid for weeks. Cops show up at the house just in time to find out the kid has been kidnapped.

Wow. New captain blames mom for taking her eye off the kid. I hope this woman is the next person to get hit by a cab. Turns out yet another stolen cab took the kid. Kid needs insulin before 6pm or he could go into a diabetic coma. Added dra-ma! Plus, mom has a whole collection of pills at the ready to pop for her anxiety. The AC is broken in the parents’ house; I don’t know if that will be important. Dad is quick to name a disgruntled employee, but that seems a little too easy. Disgruntled employee seems genuinely upset to find out about the kidnapping, and he also volunteers that dad skims money from his business. Bitch captain tells Jake that she’s not leaving because his medical leave doesn’t guarantee he will get the same post back. Turns out dad skimmed $100,000 from his company five years ago, right around the time that kid was born at home. Laura knows what this means. They bought the kid. Drama music.

Laura confronts mom and she admits that she bought him. I’m sorry, adopted illegally. They tried to adopt legally, but couldn’t. So their adoption coordinator gave her a fake bump to wear and arranged the illegal adoption. Laura is running a DNA test to see if they can find out who the kid really is and who his family is. Billy and Meredith do a quick sting on the shady adoption coordinator to get the kid’s bio-mom’s name and last known address. There’s a DNA hit on the bio-dad, but he didn’t kidnap the kid because he’s dead. Billy and Meredith go see bio-mom, and according to Billy she lives in “gangland”. They walk in on mom of the year beating a kid – not our kidnapping victim – with a belt. Oh wait, turns out bio-mom is dead and this is the sister who was babysitting. Now we have four hours before kid needs his insulin. Jake and Laura went to pick up mom and dad to make a public statement. The patrol cop says they just got a pizza delivered, but mom had told Laura they’re gluten free. So that means the kidnapper has made contact. Why are parents always so stupid in these shows? Listen to the cops. It never ends well when you don’t!

Mom and dad try to play stupid with the cops, and they’re really bad at it. They did get a ransom note, asking for $75 grand or they kill the kid. Bitch captain plans to set mom up with surveillance to follow the kidnapper’s instructions. Because that always works. If anything, kidnappers are honest. Instead of making the drop mom screws it up, because that’s what the mom always does. Then Laura knows which van the kid is in, but bitch captain screws it up and lets him get away. She is the worst.

Laura reads bitch captain the riot act, and I have never loved Laura more. Turns out bitch captain thought she was getting a big promotion and got tanked and told off half her squad, then the promotion fell through. So she wants to stay at Laura’s precinct because no one there knows what she did. Until now… Laura has an evil plan and I love it. But back to business. We’ve got the motorcycle kidnapper in the box. Then there’s wheeling and dealing in the interrogation room and it comes out that the kidnapper (and his brother – the co-conspirator) were working with the twitchy dude who got hit by the cab. The kid’s sister had a heroin problem and she was in rehab with him, so there’s the connection.

The sister tells Laura where twitchy dude’s hideout/hangout/drug doing place was, and they go in guns blazing. They get the other kidnapper and then get to the kid and give him his insulin. Family reunion, happy times. Case closed, bad guys captured. Laura tells Jake they’re going to ignore the illegal adoption and let the family live happily ever after. I don’t know if that’s really her call, but whatever. It plays nicer for the happy ending.

Then Jake screws up Laura’s plan and decides that instead of being captain he’s going to stay and be senior detective so he can pick his own cases. Jake, you can’t do anything right!


(I’m gonna do my best, but I already know this show is hard to recap. I also don’t know people’s names yet, so that just makes it even more fun.)

Oh crap, we’re doing a flashforward flashback episode. BECAUSE THIS SHOW ISN’T CONFUSING ENOUGH. We see Jane in therapy interspersed with her laying in a black SUV as it’s being shot up by a machine gun. Now we’re at Kurt’s house and OMG HIS SISTER IS JORDANA SPIRO WHO I LOVE. She mentions that dad called and wants to know if they’re going back for some memorial that is evidently held every year. Kurt is not. Sister probably is. Nephew is also there.

Now Kurt takes Jane into a room filled with machine guns and parts to see if her muscle memory is triggered. Maybe this isn’t the best idea for someone with a sketchy history we still don’t understand. We’re cutting between scenes talking about how they’re analyzing her tattoos (that are in more than two dozen languages) with scenes of her shooting and sparring with Kurt. She has a new memory, and it’s of her shooting a nun in the back of the head. So that’s ultra disturbing. They find out that the bad guy from last week is dead, and they’re reviewing security footage. Then we find out that awesome decoder chick has figured out another tattoo. The tattoo is the name of an Air Force Major. So they go to his house. The Major is less than welcoming, and wants to know if “they” sent them and assures them that he hasn’t said anything and they need to leave. So they do. And as they walk away the house blows up. I’m glad I don’t live in a TV neighborhood, I feel like my insurance premiums would be way more than I can afford.

Now the fire department is there, and there’s no body! So he got out, and blew up his house to destroy evidence and keep them all busy. All that’s left is a wall safe, and they’re taking it. Now we’re talking to his commanding officer to get some background. He had a mission go bad and a lot of civilians died, and he got PTSD and was grounded. They can’t say what he was working on in New York, but he had to be discharged a few months earlier, and his marriage ended and he got more and more paranoid. Commanding officer feels bad. Ooohhh turns out commanding officer wasn’t so forthcoming. When Major got back they raised his security clearance, which they wouldn’t have done if he had PTSD. They moved him to Nevada, where the drone program is, so he was a drone pilot. Then they moved him to New York and increased his security clearance again. We don’t know why.

Oh wait, Major is at some guy’s house holding a little girl with a gun to her. He’s talking about things he’s done and people he’s killed, and how the country abandoned him. He’s going to make the other guy help him teach everyone a lesson. This sounds like a guy I want to have major super special security clearance. So the blackmail dad goes into a secure area and does some computer things, while Major does some remote computer things. I’m guessing he wasn’t installing Windows updates. Commanding officer is about to get into a car when it gets hit by a rocket and explodes. Then they’re all in the control room arguing and talking about Jane like she isn’t standing three feet away. She speculates that the tattoos are a trap. She raises a valid point that Kurt quickly shuts down. Even on a show with a bunch of kick ass women, we still have mansplaining. We’re talking to a general now and he’s saying a bunch of military PR words. Thankfully boss lady is translating, and it turns out Major and blackmail dad’s computer things were hijacking a drone that still has two missiles. Kurt yells at the general for not being more forthcoming with information, and general deserves it, because don’t those guys always just make you want to slap them?

Boss lady is talking to Kurt and it turns out he has his own mysterious past. Listen people, I’m kind of tapped out on complicated backstories. Turns out Taylor was a little girl who disappeared when Kurt was 10. This is the kid they were having a memorial for that he talked to Jordana about earlier. Taylor cut herself when she fell out of a tree and has a scar on the back of her neck. Just like Jane. Kurt thinks Jane is Taylor. MAJOR DRAMA MUSIC.

(We’re only 20 minutes in. Grab a beverage, this is gonna be a long one.)

They get into Major’s safe and find a computer that has never been connected to the internet. It has some Word files on it, and one of them has dates and times of five seemingly unconnected “random” explosions that killed foreign nationals in the US. I think they said they were all Middle Eastern, but I don’t care enough to rewind. So we think they were drone attacks. The same kind of drone attacks that the general said never happened. They go visit the guy they think is the other drone pilot from the sheet, and he fights Jane. You guys, I want to be a badass like Jane! Jane obviously wins, because she is the best. They bring the guy outside to question him and there’s an explosion. The team is shaken but fine. BUT! Before the explosion Jane recognized the bearded guy lurking outside. He’s the one from her shooting range memory, and lurking outside the Chinese guy’s apartment, and killing the Chinese guy, and taking Jane’s memory. He’s important, and will henceforth be known as TBG. The Bearded Guy. Like HRG on Heroes.

We’re interrogating the other drone pilot. Turns out Major wanted to blow the whistle on this program, and the other pilot turned him in, so the Air Force stripped his clearance and fired him. Jane is wrestling with her memory of shooting the nun and wondering if good people can do terrible things, or if only terrible people do terrible things, and what kind of person is she? The general lets them know that, surprise!, the drone pilots operate out of their building. Funsies! They think he’s going to hit at the shift change to kill the maximum number of people, and they have one hour. They’re evacuating the building via underground tunnels and they have a lead on where he might be hiding out in Brooklyn. In the car, Jane tells Luke that she remembered something unforgivable and wonders if she was a terrible person. Luke tells her that she’s a good person because her first instinct is always to help people. Jane is getting back into the black SUV at the spot where they think Major is hiding out, and I think I know where the machine gun fire comes into play. Luke is stalking Major, who opens machine gun fire on him. (I don’t know why I feel the need to specify that it’s machine gun fire.)

Major goes downstairs and empties a clip into the SUV while Jane ducks for cover. He takes off in a car and she follows in the SUV. It’s a Chevy Suburban, in case you’re in the market for a vehicle that will take the entire clip of a machine gun and still drive perfectly. And damn, girl has got some excellent maneuvers! I mean, right up until she crashes her own car. But she gets Major to crash! So point, Jane. She also gets more of her memory and sees herself flipping over the nun, who is not actually a nun but a guy with a flash drive wearing a habit. Jane gets out of the flipped SUV without a scratch on her, and Luke grabs Major and finds out where the girl is (she’s back in the building we just fled, and she’s fine). Happy family reunion!

We’re sweeping those pesky drone attacks under the rug, and we’re going to keep exploring the tattoos. Because it’s been going so well until this point. Boss lady is getting Taylor’s old file so they can test her DNA against Jane’s.

OH! Luke tells Jordana that he thinks Jane is Taylor and we find out that everyone thinks their dad kidnapped and killed Taylor. It made their mother leave him, and now he’s dying of lung cancer.

TBG is in Jane’s apartment! He grabs her and tells her not to make a sound! And it’s over! See you next week!

About Last Night – 9/27/15

28 Sep

Listen, I totally meant to catch up on all the shows on my DVR this weekend, but then I turned on Netflix and got sucked into seasons 7 and 8 of Friends. They were really good, okay? At any rate, Sunday means FOX Animation Domination!

Bob’s Burgers

Bob’s going lip bald! And we find out that Bob’s mustache is how Linda and Bob met and fell in love. Then we see some weird alternate reality – imagined by Gene – where Bob didn’t have a mustache, so instead of meeting Linda he gets turned into a Robo-stache cop by the police and given a go-go gadget mustache. And then things get really weird, even for this show, so I kind of stopped paying attention. Then Bob dies? I don’t know. Is this one where each of the kids does their own fantasy? Because I don’t love those.

Oh yeah, Louise is doing hers now. I guess it is one of those. In this one Linda and Bob meet and he doesn’t have a mustache so Linda tells him to grow one in 24 hours. So he does, but then ends up covered in hair like Big Foot. Then yada yada yada, Bob becomes a freak at Wonder Wharf and Linda leaves him and ends up in jail.

Then Tina goes, but everyone rags on her because nothing she comes up with is realistic. Until she comes up with the most realist scenario of all. Linda marries Hugo and has three kids and a hot dog restaurant. The kids are each the opposite of their actual personalities, and Bob is the angry health inspector. Then we’re back to the real timeline, where it turns out that Bob’s mustache hair loss is due to testicular failure as a result of his boys taking a beating on his new exercise bike.

The Simpsons

We open with Homer sleeping on the job as the power plant melts down around him. When he’s in the hospital we find out that he’s been sleeping a lot and Dr. Hubbard tells us he has narcolepsy. Spoiler alert: Homer quickly uses and this as an excuse to get out of doing everything. Duh. I think that’s what we would all do. Marge can’t take it anymore, and she takes Homer to the only marriage therapist in town that they haven’t seen yet. She suggests that they get divorced, because duh. Again.

So Homer moves out and starts living at the plant. Homer finds out that Marge has changed her relationship status to “it’s complicated” and her voicemail is using her maiden name. When Homer goes to pick up his narcolepsy prescription the pharmacy tech asks him out. Because he got some really great drugs. Not kidding, that’s the actual reason she asked him out. So they take some of Homer’s drugs and have a weird drugged out montage. As you do in adult cartoons. Homer wakes up in the tech’s bed and calls Marge. Because reasons? And then finds out that she’s going out on a date. So Homer and the tech get matching tattoos and Homer meets her dad. Is it just me or is this moving really fast?

But oh no! The tech’s dad is dating Marge! The dad proposes to Marge, and the tech tells Homer she’s pregnant. But wait! False alarm! It was all just a dream Homer had when he was sleeping in therapy! So it turns out everything’s okay. Or was it? And is it? Yes, because it turns out it was all Marge’s dream.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Listen, first things first, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hang in with this show if Captain Holt and Gina are really gone. Our new captain is pretty crazy and does a lot of yelling about working hard, then immediately has a heart attack. Jake and Amy decide that they’re going to date, but keep things light and breezy. Amy suggests they accomplish this by coming up with a comprehensive list of rules. Holt and Gina realize that they’re facing a bureaucratic red tape hell, so that won’t be fun. Also not fun? Having the squad split up. New captain is back and he’s more intense than ever. I guess they release you from the hospital in a few hours after a heart attack? They all get new tablets that have timers that are supposed to help the squad be more efficient. Boyle wants Jake and Amy to date, but they’re still trying to play things cool. They do go on a date, and it’s hella awkward, until they get super drunk and sleep together.

Boyle grills Jake about his date and gets mad when he finds out that Jake had a great time on his date and slept with the girl. New captain likes Jake and has a totally wrong read on him. He thinks Jake loves crunching numbers and it totally clean and organized at home. LOLOLOL. Now we go back to 1 PP where we’re still talking about pigeon names. As Holt’s new department has been doing for months. Jake got the new captain to outlaw personal talk at work, which works well for him and Amy keeping their secret. So then they go make out in the evidence locker and are promptly caught by new captain. He yells and tells them their relationship is over, then has another heart attack.

Oh, new captain died. Well, that saves me from having to learn his name. Terry wants to pull surveillance video to see what prompted his death. That means Jake and Amy have to tell them all what really happened. Boyle is thrilled, Rosa looks forward to mocking them, and Terry is mad because he’s the commanding officer and they’re being unprofessional. Then we get the best line of the episode from Gina (no surprise) when Wunch continues to block all of Holt’s efforts: “This man is a Timberlake, and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.” Amy questions her relationship with Jake after everything that’s gone down and she tells him they need to go back to being just colleagues. She walks away and Jake looks sad. Sad Jake makes me sad.

Boyle hits Jake and yells at him about all the ways he went wrong with Amy. Jake is on his way to tell Amy how he really feels when she shows up at his place. So forget light and breezy, they’re going for it. Yay! Captain Holt has to play the pigeon because Wunch is the wurst. He wants to quit, because really how far down can you go? Gina gives him an inspiring speech and he’s ready to go. As Terry starts talking about getting ready for their new new captain, we see him walking in. It’s the Vulture! Noooo!!!!

Family Guy

Stewie’s teacher thinks he has an “attention problem” which is crazy stupid because isn’t he supposed to be one? Do any one year olds pay attention? To anything? But now we’re at the Drunken Clam and Quagmire is talking about his cat, which I love. Jerome is trying to turn the Clam into a gastropub and offers up some Korean tacos, which Quagmire quickly pans as gross. He wants to prove that he’s a good cook, so he invites the guys and their wives over for dinner. So then Dr. Hartman gives Stewie a prescription for drugs and I do like the way they’re doing this because they know it’s ridiculous. The gang is impressed by Quagmire’s cooking skills, and they suggest that he could make money doing that. Didn’t Cleveland own a deli? Shouldn’t he know about this kind of thing? So now we’re back at home and Brian finds Stewie totally drugged out in a pile of pillows. Now we’re at Quagmire’s audition to be the new host on a local cooking show. The producer ends up liking Quagmire’s food, but says he’s only hired if Peter signs on has his hilarious sidekick. So it’s a deal!

They’re filming the first episode of Quagmire’s Kitchen and Quagmire plays it straight and tells us the history of mince pie while Peter does the cinnamon challenge and is overall ridiculous. Now we’re at home again, and Stewie is still drugged out. Brian is all aghast and goes on one of his rants, but then Meg tells him why people actually take ADD meds, and Brian gets an idea. Seriously, is the first time it has occurred to Brian to take ADD meds to get more done? Now we’re doing another show. Quagmire is doing another serious cooking segment, and this time we have pop up trivia from Peter, then Peter bangs metal spoons around on stuff and Quagmire fires him. The station offers him his own cooking show, because he’s a big hit with the viewers. Stewie takes Rupert down to the basement to show him the water reservoir for the dehumidifier, and finds Brian building some kind of model universe that sounds like he created his own Harry Potter world. Peter’s cooking show is called Butter Sluts and I love that. He basically makes pizza bagels and pours butter over them. The network says that they’re going to have an Iron Chef style cook-off to decide who gets to keep their show.

For the challenge, Joe is going to be Quagmire’s assistant, and Cleveland is going to be Peter’s assistant. There’s a cooking montage. Brian wants to go to Hartford to see George RR Martin and pitch him his new idea. Brian does his pitch thing and George says it’s terrible because Brian was on drugs. Brian and Stewie realize that the drug is ruining them both, so they decide to stop taking it. We’re back at the cook-off, where the secret ingredient is butter. Quagmire is worried because that’s Peter’s specialty and Quagmire has evidently never heard of butter before. Peter sees what a disaster Quagmire is, and sabotages his own meal, that would have been the clear winner, because he knows how much this meant to Quagmire. Quagmire is very grateful, but says that he doesn’t want the show either because it ruined their friendship.

About Last Night – 9/23/15

24 Sep

I did a double workout last night, so I may have been a little delirious while I was watching all of this.

Fresh Off The Boat

We’re going on vacation! Woo hoo! This was a pretty standard “we’re back from summer” episode. As always, Constance Wu was in top form.

The Middle

Sue is going to college! And predictably, there are mishaps along the way. I really like the way they handled Mike and Frankie’s emotions about the situation. And the final scene broke my heart a little, like The Middle does. You’re frustrated, you’re laughing, you’re frustrated again, then you’re sad.

Modern Family

I’m just gonna say it, I’m rooting for Haley and Andy. I like how we recap the family’s summer to see what everyone got up to, and there’s a great running gag with Dylan’s t-shirt designs. In addition to Haley and Andy, which I promise not to spoil, we get to see Alex deal with her first relationship. (This is her first relationship, right? Am I forgetting something?) Cam and Mitchell deal with Mitchell loving being out of work (he’s taken up painting) and Cam struggling to hold down two jobs. It’s always fun to play with role reversals and they do it so well.


Oh lawd, we’re back. Juliette’s movie is coming out with a big splash, and she’s left Rayna for Luke. And I need everyone else to be waaayyyyy less mopey and melodramatic. Although I guess that’s kind of the whole point of this show. But speaking of Juliette, she is in top form. OMG, I know I’m supposed to be sad because she’s got PPD, but I love love love drunk bitchy Juliette. Like Rayna says, she goes straight for the jugular. And I love watching the carnage. On the upside, it looks like Rayna might finally be figuring out what the rest of us have always known – Highway 65 is a failing vanity project. DUH.

On the DVR

Scream Queens

They Mysteries of Laura

Law & Order: SVU