Here’s what I watched last night, while under the influence of cold medicine. It may be a wild, incoherent ride, folks.
Last Man Standing
Mike has been on a two month road trip all around the world working on the new Outdoor Man catalog. He’s excited to try the new pizza with a crust made of hot dogs. Because America. Vanessa surprises him at the door in a negligee and because he’s Mike, he focuses more on the decor changes she’s made in the bedroom than the negligee. Mandy is back from her summer in New York and can’t stop talking about it. Eve is sick of it. Kristin and Ryan were supposed to go on their honeymoon, but she keeps postponing because she’s rather be at work. So that’s a sign of a healthy marriage. Mike is recording a vlog talking about how everything went haywire while he was gone and he’s going to change the bedroom back to the way it was, and Vanessa overhears. She’s not happy. Listen, if a new bedspread is the worst of your problems, you’re doing okay.
Mike tries to apologize, in a very Mike way. Eve uses a dress Mandy made in New York to clean the bathroom, and that’s really terrible even for Eve. Kristin comes over just in time for the tornado siren to go off, so everyone goes down into the shelter. Ed wants to stay at the store to make sure everything is okay during the hurricane, and Kyle insists on staying with him. It turns out Ed’s wife (girlfriend?) left him because she thinks he only cares about the store. Mike is trying to restore family harmony. He thinks Vanessa redecorated because she was afraid for his safety. Vanessa tells him he’s full of it and she doesn’t worry about him anymore. Mandy interrupts to tell them that Kyle and Ed are on the roof of Outdoor Man.
Back in the storm shelter, Vanessa admits that she wasn’t really mad about the bedroom. Over the summer when all the girls were gone and Vanessa was alone, she realized that she would always have Mike. But then she heard him talking about spending more time on the road and got scared because she thinks they want different things out of life. Mandy admits to exaggerating her experience in New York. Donna Karen thinks she’s nuts and she got thrown out of the internship program. Eve knew what had happened, and that’s why she was being so terrible about Mandy and her New York bragging. Eve is upset that Mandy can’t confide in her, and then Kristin fixes things. So Vanessa is more upset because now everyone fees better except her. Kyle video chats Mandy to show everyone what’s happening on the roof. This doesn’t seem realistic. Would they really have a strong enough signal to FaceTime from a roof to a tornado shelter during a bad storm? They see the tornado coming, and Mike tries to talk Ed into going inside. P.S. Ed is on the roof because he thinks the store is all he has left and he’s gone a little nuts. While Mike tries to explain to Ed that people matter more than the physical store, he realizes that’s why Vanessa was mad. She tells him that she doesn’t want him to choose the road over her. Everyone agrees that people are important, so the Baxter marriage is saved and Ed goes inside.
After the storm there’s not really any damage, and Kristin finally plans to go on her honeymoon. Then everyone talks about how family is important. Togetherness! Closeness! Moral to the story! Happy ending!
The Big Bang Theory
We open on sad Leonard. Because his marriage is already pretty much a failure. Sheldon is already slinging zingers. “I couldn’t sleep either. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.” Sheldon’s advice is for Penny to make out with someone else to even the score, namely him. Then they make out? No, j/k. The whole thing was Leonard’s bad dream.
Sheldon calls Amy to set up a taping of Fun With Flags and she turns him down, because they’re broken up. Sheldon counters that Sonny and Cher continued their show after they got divorced, and he kind of has a point. The redesigned comic book shop is still throwing me for a loop. Raj is upset that Howard knew about Leonard’s North Sea kiss and didn’t tell him. Sheldon goes to Amy’s (and only knocks once!!!) to return her things. He tries to make her jealous by putting one of Penny’s bras in the box, and honestly I’m surprised he’s okay touching it. Bernadette is mad at Howard because she knew about Leonard cheating and has kept it from Penny for two years. Now Bernadette is worried that Penny will find out she knew and be mad at her. Penny comes over to talk to Leonard and Sheldon has some advice. For real this time. He thinks Penny should meet Mandy (the chick from the North Sea). Penny is (justifiably) worried that something is or will be going on between them at work.
Now we’re at girls night, still talking about this. I’m already bored with this two year old cheating scandal. And Leonard and Penny’s marriage. Bernadette is being weird. She’s kept this secret for two years and now she’s being weird? Sheldon is doing Fun With Flags alone, and lets everyone know it’s because Amy broke up with him. The theme of his show is “flags from countries that have been torn apart and the women I feel are responsible.” Leonard talks to Mandy and it turns out she doesn’t remember making out with him on the boat. Mandy is very perceptive and suggests that the real reason Leonard told Penny was because he wanted to sabotage the relationship. He talks it through and wonders if it was because he never thought he deserved Penny, because she could have any guy she wanted, and it took her so long to say she loves him. Leonard tells Penny that she might have been right about him trying to sabotage their marriage because he still doesn’t always think he deserves her. Penny says she feels the same way. Is this the first time these two have talked about their relationship? Because I feel like this should have come out before they decided to get married. But because it’s Leonard and Penny, everything is better now and they go have sex. I do not understand this relationship.
Sheldon gets Leonard and Penny a wedding gift – a trip to San Francisco for all three of them!
Life In Pieces
Yeah, I don’t know their names.
Story One: The kid who lives at home walks in on his parents having sex on the couch. Mom suggests he see a therapist, but instead he talks to his mom. He had told his siblings, so Mom calls a family meeting to talk about the kid walking in on his parents. Mom makes everyone pair off and make eye contact while they share feelings. I don’t understand the point of this.
Story Two: The same kid is having car trouble before he picks his boss up for their second date. So Dad put tequila in the engine (?!?!) and that makes the car start. Don’t try that one at home, kids. Now we’re on an awkward date where it’s really obvious this guy can’t afford anything. Turns out this was the date she was supposed to get married, so she’s pounding margaritas. She couldn’t get a refund on the reception space, so they go there. What is happening? I don’t like any of these people.
Story Three: We open on a breast pump in action and I’m tapping out.
Story Four: The kid with three kids is moving to a new house. That husband/dad really annoys me. He’s like a caricature of dad jokes. Oh god, they moved in across the street from their parents. Because this show doesn’t have enough campy shtick.
The Mysteries of Laura
Kids are playing at the park, but there’s scary music and a twitchy dude, so you know something’s gonna go down. Turns out a cab raced up into the park and twitchy dude jumped in front of it and told the kids to run, so he gets hit and killed. Good guy or part of the set up? We float some theories and then decide to track down the cab. There’s a new captain and she is a total biotch. She insists that the squad room be silent, which is weird, because it’s a squad room. Jake comes back a week early, but new captain won’t let him take his post back. We also find out that Frankie got transferred out because she didn’t have the seniority required to take her job. But we have prints back on John Doe, he was convicted of rape in the third degree and there’s also a report of a cab stolen 12 minutes before the hit.
Now Jake and Laura are working together, because I guess you can just waltz in to work a week early and take any job you want? Dead guy’s name is Ronald, and we meet his fiance, who is super pregnant. Turns out his rape charge was with his fiance when she was 16 and he was 21, so there goes their theory about a victim’s family targeting him. Turns out the cab driver used his phone for GPS, and it was in the cab when it was stolen. The cab is found burned to a crisp, but there’s a camera inside, full of pictures of the kid from the park who was saved when Ronald shouted at him. Whoever was driving had been following the kid for weeks. Cops show up at the house just in time to find out the kid has been kidnapped.
Wow. New captain blames mom for taking her eye off the kid. I hope this woman is the next person to get hit by a cab. Turns out yet another stolen cab took the kid. Kid needs insulin before 6pm or he could go into a diabetic coma. Added dra-ma! Plus, mom has a whole collection of pills at the ready to pop for her anxiety. The AC is broken in the parents’ house; I don’t know if that will be important. Dad is quick to name a disgruntled employee, but that seems a little too easy. Disgruntled employee seems genuinely upset to find out about the kidnapping, and he also volunteers that dad skims money from his business. Bitch captain tells Jake that she’s not leaving because his medical leave doesn’t guarantee he will get the same post back. Turns out dad skimmed $100,000 from his company five years ago, right around the time that kid was born at home. Laura knows what this means. They bought the kid. Drama music.
Laura confronts mom and she admits that she bought him. I’m sorry, adopted illegally. They tried to adopt legally, but couldn’t. So their adoption coordinator gave her a fake bump to wear and arranged the illegal adoption. Laura is running a DNA test to see if they can find out who the kid really is and who his family is. Billy and Meredith do a quick sting on the shady adoption coordinator to get the kid’s bio-mom’s name and last known address. There’s a DNA hit on the bio-dad, but he didn’t kidnap the kid because he’s dead. Billy and Meredith go see bio-mom, and according to Billy she lives in “gangland”. They walk in on mom of the year beating a kid – not our kidnapping victim – with a belt. Oh wait, turns out bio-mom is dead and this is the sister who was babysitting. Now we have four hours before kid needs his insulin. Jake and Laura went to pick up mom and dad to make a public statement. The patrol cop says they just got a pizza delivered, but mom had told Laura they’re gluten free. So that means the kidnapper has made contact. Why are parents always so stupid in these shows? Listen to the cops. It never ends well when you don’t!
Mom and dad try to play stupid with the cops, and they’re really bad at it. They did get a ransom note, asking for $75 grand or they kill the kid. Bitch captain plans to set mom up with surveillance to follow the kidnapper’s instructions. Because that always works. If anything, kidnappers are honest. Instead of making the drop mom screws it up, because that’s what the mom always does. Then Laura knows which van the kid is in, but bitch captain screws it up and lets him get away. She is the worst.
Laura reads bitch captain the riot act, and I have never loved Laura more. Turns out bitch captain thought she was getting a big promotion and got tanked and told off half her squad, then the promotion fell through. So she wants to stay at Laura’s precinct because no one there knows what she did. Until now… Laura has an evil plan and I love it. But back to business. We’ve got the motorcycle kidnapper in the box. Then there’s wheeling and dealing in the interrogation room and it comes out that the kidnapper (and his brother – the co-conspirator) were working with the twitchy dude who got hit by the cab. The kid’s sister had a heroin problem and she was in rehab with him, so there’s the connection.
The sister tells Laura where twitchy dude’s hideout/hangout/drug doing place was, and they go in guns blazing. They get the other kidnapper and then get to the kid and give him his insulin. Family reunion, happy times. Case closed, bad guys captured. Laura tells Jake they’re going to ignore the illegal adoption and let the family live happily ever after. I don’t know if that’s really her call, but whatever. It plays nicer for the happy ending.
Then Jake screws up Laura’s plan and decides that instead of being captain he’s going to stay and be senior detective so he can pick his own cases. Jake, you can’t do anything right!
(I’m gonna do my best, but I already know this show is hard to recap. I also don’t know people’s names yet, so that just makes it even more fun.)
Oh crap, we’re doing a flashforward flashback episode. BECAUSE THIS SHOW ISN’T CONFUSING ENOUGH. We see Jane in therapy interspersed with her laying in a black SUV as it’s being shot up by a machine gun. Now we’re at Kurt’s house and OMG HIS SISTER IS JORDANA SPIRO WHO I LOVE. She mentions that dad called and wants to know if they’re going back for some memorial that is evidently held every year. Kurt is not. Sister probably is. Nephew is also there.
Now Kurt takes Jane into a room filled with machine guns and parts to see if her muscle memory is triggered. Maybe this isn’t the best idea for someone with a sketchy history we still don’t understand. We’re cutting between scenes talking about how they’re analyzing her tattoos (that are in more than two dozen languages) with scenes of her shooting and sparring with Kurt. She has a new memory, and it’s of her shooting a nun in the back of the head. So that’s ultra disturbing. They find out that the bad guy from last week is dead, and they’re reviewing security footage. Then we find out that awesome decoder chick has figured out another tattoo. The tattoo is the name of an Air Force Major. So they go to his house. The Major is less than welcoming, and wants to know if “they” sent them and assures them that he hasn’t said anything and they need to leave. So they do. And as they walk away the house blows up. I’m glad I don’t live in a TV neighborhood, I feel like my insurance premiums would be way more than I can afford.
Now the fire department is there, and there’s no body! So he got out, and blew up his house to destroy evidence and keep them all busy. All that’s left is a wall safe, and they’re taking it. Now we’re talking to his commanding officer to get some background. He had a mission go bad and a lot of civilians died, and he got PTSD and was grounded. They can’t say what he was working on in New York, but he had to be discharged a few months earlier, and his marriage ended and he got more and more paranoid. Commanding officer feels bad. Ooohhh turns out commanding officer wasn’t so forthcoming. When Major got back they raised his security clearance, which they wouldn’t have done if he had PTSD. They moved him to Nevada, where the drone program is, so he was a drone pilot. Then they moved him to New York and increased his security clearance again. We don’t know why.
Oh wait, Major is at some guy’s house holding a little girl with a gun to her. He’s talking about things he’s done and people he’s killed, and how the country abandoned him. He’s going to make the other guy help him teach everyone a lesson. This sounds like a guy I want to have major super special security clearance. So the blackmail dad goes into a secure area and does some computer things, while Major does some remote computer things. I’m guessing he wasn’t installing Windows updates. Commanding officer is about to get into a car when it gets hit by a rocket and explodes. Then they’re all in the control room arguing and talking about Jane like she isn’t standing three feet away. She speculates that the tattoos are a trap. She raises a valid point that Kurt quickly shuts down. Even on a show with a bunch of kick ass women, we still have mansplaining. We’re talking to a general now and he’s saying a bunch of military PR words. Thankfully boss lady is translating, and it turns out Major and blackmail dad’s computer things were hijacking a drone that still has two missiles. Kurt yells at the general for not being more forthcoming with information, and general deserves it, because don’t those guys always just make you want to slap them?
Boss lady is talking to Kurt and it turns out he has his own mysterious past. Listen people, I’m kind of tapped out on complicated backstories. Turns out Taylor was a little girl who disappeared when Kurt was 10. This is the kid they were having a memorial for that he talked to Jordana about earlier. Taylor cut herself when she fell out of a tree and has a scar on the back of her neck. Just like Jane. Kurt thinks Jane is Taylor. MAJOR DRAMA MUSIC.
(We’re only 20 minutes in. Grab a beverage, this is gonna be a long one.)
They get into Major’s safe and find a computer that has never been connected to the internet. It has some Word files on it, and one of them has dates and times of five seemingly unconnected “random” explosions that killed foreign nationals in the US. I think they said they were all Middle Eastern, but I don’t care enough to rewind. So we think they were drone attacks. The same kind of drone attacks that the general said never happened. They go visit the guy they think is the other drone pilot from the sheet, and he fights Jane. You guys, I want to be a badass like Jane! Jane obviously wins, because she is the best. They bring the guy outside to question him and there’s an explosion. The team is shaken but fine. BUT! Before the explosion Jane recognized the bearded guy lurking outside. He’s the one from her shooting range memory, and lurking outside the Chinese guy’s apartment, and killing the Chinese guy, and taking Jane’s memory. He’s important, and will henceforth be known as TBG. The Bearded Guy. Like HRG on Heroes.
We’re interrogating the other drone pilot. Turns out Major wanted to blow the whistle on this program, and the other pilot turned him in, so the Air Force stripped his clearance and fired him. Jane is wrestling with her memory of shooting the nun and wondering if good people can do terrible things, or if only terrible people do terrible things, and what kind of person is she? The general lets them know that, surprise!, the drone pilots operate out of their building. Funsies! They think he’s going to hit at the shift change to kill the maximum number of people, and they have one hour. They’re evacuating the building via underground tunnels and they have a lead on where he might be hiding out in Brooklyn. In the car, Jane tells Luke that she remembered something unforgivable and wonders if she was a terrible person. Luke tells her that she’s a good person because her first instinct is always to help people. Jane is getting back into the black SUV at the spot where they think Major is hiding out, and I think I know where the machine gun fire comes into play. Luke is stalking Major, who opens machine gun fire on him. (I don’t know why I feel the need to specify that it’s machine gun fire.)
Major goes downstairs and empties a clip into the SUV while Jane ducks for cover. He takes off in a car and she follows in the SUV. It’s a Chevy Suburban, in case you’re in the market for a vehicle that will take the entire clip of a machine gun and still drive perfectly. And damn, girl has got some excellent maneuvers! I mean, right up until she crashes her own car. But she gets Major to crash! So point, Jane. She also gets more of her memory and sees herself flipping over the nun, who is not actually a nun but a guy with a flash drive wearing a habit. Jane gets out of the flipped SUV without a scratch on her, and Luke grabs Major and finds out where the girl is (she’s back in the building we just fled, and she’s fine). Happy family reunion!
We’re sweeping those pesky drone attacks under the rug, and we’re going to keep exploring the tattoos. Because it’s been going so well until this point. Boss lady is getting Taylor’s old file so they can test her DNA against Jane’s.
OH! Luke tells Jordana that he thinks Jane is Taylor and we find out that everyone thinks their dad kidnapped and killed Taylor. It made their mother leave him, and now he’s dying of lung cancer.
TBG is in Jane’s apartment! He grabs her and tells her not to make a sound! And it’s over! See you next week!